Updated: Mar 25, 2021
Where do you go, when there is no where else to go? Where do you run to, when every turn you keep running into a bottomless pit? What do you do, when you can't pray anymore because the pain has muzzled your words to the most-high God? How do you cope when your coping mechanism is all wrong, and it leads to wrong doing and self destruction? What do you say when there are no words to say and all you feel is deep despair?
The Silencer, Death, the Great Enemy of enemies has silenced another again. It has taken one of my loved ones yet again. The enemy squeezed the life out of my brother faster than the blink of an eye. In my family, I never expected to experience this pain again so soon. How could life be so cruel? How can life be so unfair?
In a space of five years, death came with a vengeance, greedily taking the lives of 8 including my child, mom and two brothers and others. It has come with the intent to remove the generation of my family from this earth. It seeks to eliminate the very being of what personifies me as a righteous individual; it comes to devour. The Silencer comes to silence every emotion which would otherwise be spoken; it come to take away the voice of what is good within me. It comes to cause confusion in a body already ravaged by endless pain and internal suffering. The Silencer comes to suffocate what is to make up my existence. Death, why are you taunting, why are you taking so quickly the beautiful, beloved lives meant to live forever, and why are you causing so much pain and agony? Death, go away and let us be. You are destroying a bright lit confidence; you are challenging the faith of the faithful, the righteousness of the righteous, and the integrity of the loyal servant.
You weaken the strongest, while bringing those who stand like a tower to their knees. You penetrate the armor of protection, piercing the heart in swift and utter humiliation. My sword is blunt with no fight left; my shield is tattered and shattered to pieces. My mind tells me what's right to do; my spirit is eager, while my body wants to do what's wrong. I yearn for what will be a quick fix to the horrid pain and darkness I feel inside. I am falling apart with a smile on my face, with dejection as my anchor. How does one repair a heart so broken, when every piece of it has been pulverized into dust?
I fall to my knees beseeching The Almighty for strength, because I have no recourse left. Words of encouragement lift my spirit for a moment, but one second of time in solitude turns my thoughts into a raging inferno. I am angry, I am sad, I am hollow, I am lost. One by one, back to back my family has had to endure the blows from the enemy. It silences the very core of what gives us a voice. I hold my head in defeat, for I fight a losing battle. My load is heavy, my burdens are insurmountable. My soul feels pain beyond measure, but it rejects my true feelings inside. I'm a thread away from collapse to what's invisible to the naked eye.
Death! Why does it seek enslave me, enslave us? How much more can my heart endure? Why has it taken dominion over such a precious gift that is LIFE. Soon "the last enemy death is to be brought to noting" (1 Corinthians 15:26). Until that time arrives, like many, my emotions, my inner being, my heart is ravaged with a darkness, and an emptiness yet to be filled.
I am silenced and at the mercy of Mankind's greatest foe, the Enemy, the Silencer, Death.